Human World
-Emma gets thrown out of the apartment by her foster father.
-She decides to take a walk before trying to sneak back in.
-Almost hit by a car.
-Eclipse saves her.
-Magically transported to Demon World. -Insert lame magic wand noises here-
Demon World
-Emma freaks out because she has no clue where she is.
-Eclipse somehow convinces her to go with him to meet her parents. (I'm considering instead of Eclipse "convincing" her to go with him, having him knocking her out, but I haven't decided yet. Any thoughts?)
-Next day, Emma wakes up in a strange room, and punches Eclipse in the face because he scared her.
-Family reunion! Emma gets reaquianted with her family. (Yay!)
-Angel and Aiden teach Emma to use her super awesome demon powers! Or try to anyway...she's not very good...
-Sabastian (Eclipse's only friend) gets attacked while on gaurd duty! Ohmigod!!
-Aiden and Eclipse figure out it was Keiran who attacked Sabastian and then immedately freak the hell out.
-Hiroshi also freaks out and wants to send the kids (Angel, Emma, Xander and Krystal) to Human World so they don't get hurt. Good Plan, except..
-The kids want to fight! Especially Emma, even though she's not very good with her powers yet.
-So, what the heck? The kids can stay.
-Using their stealthy ninja skills, Aiden and Hiroshi find out exactly what is going on and why. Seems that Keiran and his army of outcasts have teamed up with Kazuo's gang of thugs and are marchhing on the castle as we speak!!!! Oh no!
-Prepare for war!
-The fighting begins, at dusk, I think. Dawn is so over used, especially in dramatic fight scences.
-And despite they fact that they are waaay out numbered, the royal family and Eclipse's troop of castle gaurds are doing pretty well for themselves, until Emma meets up with Kazuo, who easily kicks her ass.
-Angel interrupts before Kazuo can kill Emma. But since she is wounded (her right arm is numb from blood loss) she doesn't manage to kill him
-Eclipse is on the other side of the battle field when he sees Emma collapse and freaks out, Because he loves her, (I'm stil trying to work this into the plot, but i'm having a little bit of a hard time because it's really not important till the end of the story) and blows his cover, exposing himself as a dragon, which was a secret.
-Eclipse then chases down and over powers Kazuo, killing him.
- Keiran is intrigiued by this, he's never killed a dragon before. So they fight, Keiran wins, because Eclipse has only used his dragon powers like once before, so obviously he can't control them yet.
-Aiden stops Keiran from kiling Eclipse, then slaughters him, extra violiently because he's exceptionally pissed.
-Yay! We won!
-Aiden forgives Eclipse for lying about his origins and they bond.
-After which they remember that Emma is laying in a ditch somewhere dying and they go to help her out!! (Krystal, however, has been with her the whole time)
-Kyrstal manages to save Emma's life, just barely I might add.
-Yay! We all survived! -hugs-
-Then Krystal blurts out that she somehow managed to save Emma's baby too, when someone tells her she did a good job. Nice Going Krys...
-Opps! Emma's face turns white, because she didn't even know she was pregnant, looks at Eclipse.
-Eclipse goes, from Aiden's new best friend, to number one on the hit list. Hiroshi on the other hand is happy for them! Yay, Babies!
-Later on, whether it be the next day or later that same day, doesn't really matter, but the gaurds who have been sent out to get rid of all the dead bodies everywhere, can't seem to find Keiran's body....-insert twilight zone theme-
Tada! That's a rough break down of part one! In part two, you get to meet the baby! (She's so cute!) I welcome constructive critism, especially if you think my story's cliche, you have to tell me!!
6 comments:
Suggestions:
Eclipse should explain the basics before they actually go to demon world. Knocking her out wouldn't seem very good for his reputation. She probably wouldn't listen to him out of shock if they teleported before. So, he should explain things after saving her. Like, "Hello, I was looking for you and was sent by your real father" in some sort of non-creepy way.
There should be a fairly large amount of time (Some years; I recommend 1-3 years) in between Emma's return and the battle. This way you can account for her adjusting to her environment and change, as well as a relationship between her and Eclipse. Not all of the time needs to be written out, of course. Perhaps have a build-up of tension between Aiden and his enemies during this time, resulting in a few small skirmishes and the like.
During the battle, I suggest that the kids are sent in with guards to protect them since they're not accustomed to battle (I assume, from the fact that they get 'totally pwnz0red'). A little better of a parenting decision than, "WELL, OKAY, I GUESS."
-takes a break from sounding serious- Aiden and Hiroshi should have like a retarded fuckton of guards and shit. Knights and whatever. Y'know. Medieval army bullshit. It is a kingdom. You can make your own ranks and the like. Mr. Villain Man should also have a fairly astute following.
Perhaps the villain is a former member of the king's... army... thing. Or an advisor. Some sort of high position that would get him a lot of pull with people to overthrow.
Save Emma first; then discuss the dragon ordeal. Perhaps in a scene after the battle.
Despite the fun comic relief that a secret baby surprise would be, it's not the most practical decision in a real-life situation. When a woman is willfully pregnant, they tend to think less about theirself and more about their child. It's a sort of hormonal thing. Mothers are crazy and all. So Emma's decision to take on battle while pregnant wouldn't make sense. Emma not participating in battle wouldn't work either. So, a delay of the discovery would work a bit better. Perhaps instead of the baby dispute, just have Aiden and Hiroshi differ on their opinion of Eclipse and Emma's relationship in general.
Haha. Actually that whole explaining everything first thing was originally how I wrote it. But after awhile I started thinking his explaintion came off lame. And I really didn't want my story comeing off like twilight, you know? But whatever maybe if you read what I have so far you could make a better judgement call on that.
And this plot summary is exceptionally vague. And I know I didn't specify but I did entend there to be some time inbetween all this stuff. I wasn't gonna just throw Emma into battle. Lol. But how could you have known?
And yea, we gots an army too. (Eclipse is in charge of keeping them in line!) Aiden and Hiro are popular, we gots friends. I wouldn't send..-counts on fingers- 7! 7 people out to defend a castle alone. That just doesn't make sense. But again, how could you have known? And as for personal gaurds..I keep playing with that idea then deciding it sucks then bringing it back...so yea...
You know I actually had a great story about Kerian's betryal and why he holds a grudge and all that fun stuff but then I had a hard time finding an appropriate place to bring all that shyt up. But I do suppose your right, it might make more sense if I put it back in there...
Umm actually as far as the dragon thing is concerned, it's not even discussed until after the fight. You see what happens is Eclipse is ashamed of his heritage, (because dragons are evil! lol) so he lies about it and pretends he's something else when he joins Aiden and Hiroshi. And he's been keeping this secret for years and years, but then when he sees "the love of his life" being murdereded he freaks out and it just sort of comes out...you know? He doesn't like turn into a gaint lizard or anything. He just gets the claws, fangs, big scaly wings ripping through the skin on his back... Anyway, thats how I see it happening in my head. Do you think it sounds bad?
And the thing about Emma's baby is she doesn't know she's pregnent. I was thinking of having her be like two weeks pregnant or something like that. Cuz I mean even if there is like is one to three year gap between when the met and when Eclipse gets Emma pregnant, she wouldn't be sleeping with him the whole time. (Gotta make him work for it, after all. lol) But I guess I didn't specify...this flows alot better in my head, I swear....
Ah, k. I think it's better to have the child incident happen afterwards though... the likelihood of being able to save or detect such an underdeveloped fetus is a bit low.
I feel silly saying "fetus".
Meh. -I was just trying to make Krys come off like an amazing docter with super powers!!! But whatever, if it doen't work it doesn't work.
this is where i will be useless your plot line is were nice i like. i have absoluly no comments every story i have written... tryed to. sucked flat out. so all i can say is go for it.
This posting a comment thing is annoying. I have tried to leave you posts and then it blanks them out. I do not think Eclipse should knock out Emma, it goes bad for their relastionship that you want to develope. Emma wouldn't respect him if he knocked her out, he should explain at least in part what's up, I do like her punching him after she comes to for scaring her after all she is her fathers daughter. I don't know if you are spelling things wrong on purpose, but it's guards, not gaurds. I like what your doing with this keep up the good work.
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