Alrite, so I was working on my draft the other day and I started re-reading what I'd writter only to come to the conclusion that everything I have written thus far.... sucks. Especially the begining.... -glares at draft- SO! I've decided to change the begining, In an effort to keep people interested in my story....
Basically I want to change everything around so people get a better feel of Emma's character and why she doesn't care if she ever sees her foster father again, before I up-root her from reality completely. Anyway, here are the changes I was thinking of making...
-After the fight with her foster father, Emma's gonna go straight to her high school, all the while reminiscing about her ex-best friends and her boyfriend breaking up with her, then cursing their existence, because she'd rather be anywhere but the school.
-Then she's gonna sit on the roof of the school and think about the fight with her foster father. And when she hears sirens she's gonna freak out and run away, cause she can't be caught trespassing.
-Which leads us to the part where Emma gets hit by the car for running into the road, and Eclipse saves her.
-Then the next morning Emma wakes up in the castle and gets confused!
Personally I think it's better. It's more of an actual intro to the story, you know? But what do you guys think?
ALSO! I was thinking about it earlier and there are waaaaaaaaaaayyyy cooler way for Eclipse to save Emma/ for Emma to be struck by a vehicle. So, I'ma change the way that happens.
Some ideas....
-Emma actually does get struck by a vehicle and only manages to live because of her super cool Vaikas powers. (She'll still pass out though.)
-Eclipse jumps in front of her or pushes her out of the way and he gets hit by the car instead.
-Eclipse jumps in front of her or pushes her aside and "HULK SMASHES!" the crap out of the car's hood to stop it.
-The car spins out when it sees Emma and Eclipse has to shield her, inadvertently being struck by the vehicle himself.
-Eclipse jumps down from no where and creates this huge fricking crater in the road and flips the car over!
-Eclipse jumps infront of her and claps his hands together to make this crazy sonic pulse thing, that stopps the car dead in its skid marks!
-The driver blows a tire trying to stop, swurves, and then flips over. And Eclipse, oh-so-stealthly pushes Emma down, so the car flys over them, instead of crushing them.
-Or I could keep it the way it is right now. When Eclipse pushes her out of the way and no one gets hit by the car. But I'm not gonna lie, I really kinda wanna run someone over with this freakin car!
Any other ideas? Im open to whatever....
Oh, one more thing! Think I should have Eclipse fake Emma's death or just kidnap her or ....what?
7 comments:
Well my first thought when you described it too me was me getting in front of the car and the car basically wraps around me and is destroyed. BUT somehow bits and pieces of it unfortunately flies and hit you in the head and you black out, to later awake in that room and so on. I personally think it would be fun describing that scene as you watch in disbelief at what just happened.
I do like the idea of you getting hit only to be saved by her powers but that doesn't seem to leave much room for a fun descriptions but it is a pretty interesting concept that i like a lot.
Also your revisions do add more of a story line to it and i actually just thought of something to explain why there are sirens. Could you possibly tie that in with me, like i did something because I'm rushing to save you and the police are chasing me and thats where two different stories could meet. That could certainly add more stuff to write about later right?
Other than that i think it sounds great keep it up
Yea. Thanks for the thoughts/opinions love. However you do realize that you didn't give me a descive anwser at all right? lol.
Hahaha. Eclipse should totally rob a convenience store! Haha.
I can imagine Eclipse running out to save her, and blasting out a field that knocks the car back. Sort of like...
This: http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/4567/emmaeclipseshieldblast.png
ohhhh! -cries- I can't see the picture!
Did you copy the link?
I think it almost looks like the link is incomplete or cut off....
So ok, I like the broader storyline, more insight into Emma, why she is so upset, why she is feeling lost and alone and out of place, and why she doesn't feel she belongs with the step father. I like her rage and angst. I don't think that Emma should get hit by the truck, but Eclipse could get clipped by it as he pushes out of the way. I like the idea of Emma looking on in disbeleif seeing Eclipse get slammed into by the truck and having it split down the center around him and then have him force his way out of the wreckage in time to get to Emma and ask her if she's ok as she passes out, and then having her wake as though from a dream.
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